Over the three decades that I have been a relationship coach, a significant and common theme that clients bring into the consultation office is a variation on this statement:: “I'm not getting what I want / need / desire / deserve from the other person.” Variations on this theme are:
He’s not listening to me, or she doesn’t show appreciation, or they don't respect my boundaries.
If we start from a place of how the other one is falling short, and how the other one needs to change so that the relationship can improve, heal and grow, we are taking the position of “what can I get here?. “ This often leads to loops of dissatisfaction, frustration and even resentment.
I'm not suggesting you don't advocate for and express what you need and want in your relationship with friends, family & partners. I am suggesting that we move from the position of you need to change to the position of what can I give here?
Asking first what can I give here has been a more effective and empowering place to start. This is very hard, given that we live in a culture of individualism where benign a good getter is to be successful.
Learning how to give in a culture of getting requires a radical commitment to taking responsibility for co-creating the relationships we want. The question: What can I give to this relationship? challenges our tendency to want to use relationships as vehicles to get from the partner.
So instead of “you're not listening to me,” try “what can I do to help us listen to each other more effectively?.” Instead of “you don't show appreciation,” try “how can I support you to see all I do in our partnership?,” and instead of “you don't respect my boundaries,” try “what can we do together so that we both can feel seen and respected?”
Let me know what you discover.
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